i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
