Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
