A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love having hate sex.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
