if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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