I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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