Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
