I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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