I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize