she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
did i just pee glitter
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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