My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
