you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
