Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
