The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize