They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
