Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
