Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
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