after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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