Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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