I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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