Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to calm my uterus...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
