My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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