My underwear smells like fireworks.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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