A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
