So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
