Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
