6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
MIDGETS
????
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
