It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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