There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
