Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
