party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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