Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
