The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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