Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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