just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
