According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize