how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
