Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's like God shit irony all over that family
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She bit a glass in half.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
