I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
