Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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