I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
