I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
