i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
me + whiskey = a bad person
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
