I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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