His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
