Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
