just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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