After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
