awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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