i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
