I wish my penis had an off switch
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
