Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
