I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
