it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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