if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
