Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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