You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
