Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
