sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
