I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know her cup size but not her name....
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
