if you like me you must not know who I am
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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