So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
