Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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